In the early morning hours of Sunday, June 12, 2016, a lone gunman opened fire in a gay nightclub and murdered 50 people (so far; of the 53 wounded, 5 are listed in grave condition, so that death toll may climb even higher).
I'm not going to spit facts at you. You can look that shit up on your own. I'm not going to spit arguments about gun control, either, because this problem is so much fucking bigger than that.
I don't even know what I want to spit here, other than nails.
This was an act of terror, but not the kind we've gotten so used to in the last 15 years. This is an act not motivated by retaliation against a political enemy or a monolithic ideology. There is no "cause" here. There is nothing the world could have given Omar Mateen to make him put down that gun.
This is an act motivated by hatred, and hatred alone. Omar Mateen wasn't looking to scare anyone into submission; he was looking to simply kill as many of the people he hated as quickly as possible.
And those people were LGBT youth.
As the right-wing noise machine tried to argue in the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church shooting last year, many will again try to argue this was motivated by religion. And they will do some impressive mental gymnastics to support this view. They will all but erase the real reason for Mateen targeting the people he did: they were queer.
Don't let them do it.
Omar Mateen was motivated by the same kind of hatred as Dylan Roof. Hatred against a class of people different than himself, simply for existing.
Pulse is a gay club. A place where LGBT people can gather and meet and be ourselves, without the fear that we face on the street every day. Where gay men can dance with their boyfriends, lesbians with their girlfriends, and bisexual people with whoever their partners happen to be. Where trans folk don't have to worry which bathroom to use. Where PDAs won't result in abuse and threats from onlookers.
It's one of the few places where LGBT people have a sense of safety, because everyone there is like you. Everyone there knows the struggle. Everyone there wants to get away from it for a few hours.
Omar Mateen sought that space out. Invaded it. Violated it. And ultimately defiled it with the blood of over 100 people, dead and wounded.
Straight people, you cannot fathom this. You cannot begin to understand the kind of bone-shattering fear this strikes into the hearts of everyone who is LGBT (or even wondering if they are). Because what this act has done is destroyed the sense of safety that we were just beginning to cultivate.
It's 2016. Marriage equality is the law of the land in all 50 sates. And we are still not safe.
Do you hear me? We are still not safe. Even when we build our own spaces where straight folks don't have to look at us. Even when we "stop shoving it in your faces" we are still not fucking safe.
Picture, if you will, being a child and hearing about 50 children shot to death at a Chuck E. Cheese, and you're starting to approach the kind of fear we're feeling right now. I say "starting to approach" because there isn't a persistent undercurrent in our culture that loathes the shit out children and wants them all piled in a landfill somewhere.
See, Omar Mateen was a lone wolf as far as Daesh is concerned. But in regards to the actual reason he murdered 50 people? He's hardly alone.
We're not safe because even though it's 2016, we still live in a culture marinating in hatred. A culture enabled by people who wish we didn't exist.
If you really want to be an ally? If you really want to help the LGBT community not just in Orlando, but everywhere this kind of massacre could occur?
Start speaking up.
When you see someone use homosexuality as an insult? Tell them that shit isn't acceptable.
When your friend makes shitty jokes at the LGBT community's expense? Tell them that shit isn't acceptable.
When your bigoted relative laments the destruction of the country because of marriage equality? Tell them that shit isn't acceptable.
This goes way beyond gun control. This goes way beyond terrorism. This goes right to the very fucking core of what makes us civilized.
The ability to coexist with other people and not murder the shit out of them.
Statcounter
Monday, June 13, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
The Pyrite Rule
There's nothing quite like discovering that the "wisdom" that adults imparted to you in childhood is really bullshit packaged in a very pretty box. There's almost a five-stages-of-grief thing to it. At first you're in denial that the box is full of shit. Then you get angry that someone would seriously think handing you a box of shit and calling it "wisdom" was a good idea. Then you bargain with anyone and everyone to take this box of shit from you, you'll do anything in return. And when nobody will relieve you of your box of shit, you get depressed. And then finally, in the acceptance stage, you decide to use the box of shit as fertilizer for newer, more productive ideas.
Of the many, many boxes of shit I received as a kid, the one that was the hardest to accept was the so-called Golden Rule (AKA Matthew 7:12): do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
When you're a kid, this box of shit is like a tray of fresh-baked brownies. Of course it makes sense. Be the example, right? When people see the way you treat them, of course they're going to be more likely to return the favor. But when you get old enough to see this play out in the real world, is when you realize that like a lot of the worst advice from the Bible (not all of it is bad, but like every holy book in existence, there is some absolute horseshit in there that would never fly today), the Golden Rule is exactly the kind of self-indulgent nonsense anyone would tell a foreign population they were trying to convert.
It's particularly insidious because the Golden Rule maintains the veneer of promoting kindness toward others, while in practice it's the most selfish philosophy you could possibly be taught before you're old enough to read Atlas Shrugged.
First and foremost, the Golden Rule is selfish because it promotes the exact opposite of empathy. Treating others the way you want to be treated, in fact, requires you to ignore their feelings and focus on your own, because it's using your preferences as the yardstick.
To see how this plays out in the real world, let's take a look at some types of people we can't stand who follow the Golden Rule to the letter:
Second, the Golden Rule sets the expectation that the primary reason for being good to others is so that they'll be good to you in return. We all have that one friend or relative who will never agree to lend a hand unless you make it clear there's something in it for them. You could be stuck on the roadside with a blown-out tire, and they will only come pick you up if you make it clear they'll get a free tank of gas out of the deal.
These are exactly the kind of assholes the Golden Rule was written for. Rather than "treat people with kindness and respect because it's just the right thing to do", they only offer kindness and respect in the hope they'll get some of it back from you. Like the kid who returns your lost wallet only because he or she hopes you'll give them a few bucks out of it in return for not robbing you blind.
Third, the oft-quoted part of Golden Rule by itself provides no instruction for when its core principle does not apply; what do you do when people don't want to be treated the same way you would like to be? Even in the original context (Matthew 7:9-12), there is no good answer to this:
It still doesn't take into account that...say...your son may be asking for bread, but there's none made yet, so what he really wants is a stone to grind the wheat into flour in order to make some bread. Or rather than eat the fish, he wants to toss it through the window of that asshole up the street whose dog keeps crapping in his yard, in which case the snake is a far superior choice.
In other words, as the gift giver, you're assuming a stone or a snake is a bad gift because you wouldn't want a stone when you asked for bread or a snake when you asked for fish. But that may not be what the person you're giving it to is thinking.
If you really want to be kind and respectful to other people, what you have to do first is put yourself in their shoes. Level with them and find out what they really need, even if they're too ashamed to ask you for it directly. Don't just assume they want and need the same things you do. And for fuck's sake, don't hand out gifts with one hand while expecting a return favor with the other.
Don't treat people the way you want to be treated. Provided it doesn't directly hurt you to do so, treat others the way they want to be treated. Not because you hope someone might do the same for you one day. Not because your deity of choice will reward you in the afterlife. Treat people with the respect, kindness and empathy they want and need because it's the right thing to do.
Rather than the Fool's Golden Rule, I propose a much simpler one:
Do no harm, but take no shit.
Especially boxes of shit disguised as wisdom. They stink up the house.
Of the many, many boxes of shit I received as a kid, the one that was the hardest to accept was the so-called Golden Rule (AKA Matthew 7:12): do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
When you're a kid, this box of shit is like a tray of fresh-baked brownies. Of course it makes sense. Be the example, right? When people see the way you treat them, of course they're going to be more likely to return the favor. But when you get old enough to see this play out in the real world, is when you realize that like a lot of the worst advice from the Bible (not all of it is bad, but like every holy book in existence, there is some absolute horseshit in there that would never fly today), the Golden Rule is exactly the kind of self-indulgent nonsense anyone would tell a foreign population they were trying to convert.
It's particularly insidious because the Golden Rule maintains the veneer of promoting kindness toward others, while in practice it's the most selfish philosophy you could possibly be taught before you're old enough to read Atlas Shrugged.
First and foremost, the Golden Rule is selfish because it promotes the exact opposite of empathy. Treating others the way you want to be treated, in fact, requires you to ignore their feelings and focus on your own, because it's using your preferences as the yardstick.
To see how this plays out in the real world, let's take a look at some types of people we can't stand who follow the Golden Rule to the letter:
- That creepy drunk on the subway platform would love it if random attractive women approached him with compliments and offers of sex, so he's going to do that to every woman he fancies.
- The Jehova's Witness would love it if people came to her door to start random conversations about faith and God, so she's going to do that to every neighbor in her subdivision.
- The nosy lady at the mall would be grateful to receive random parenting advice, so she will offer her opinion to every mother she sees with a kid under five.
- The hard-line conservative uncle nobody invited to the family reunion would love to debate politics and religion with everyone in a five-mile radius, so of course he's going to start arguing with everyone right in the middle of hors d'oeuvres.
Second, the Golden Rule sets the expectation that the primary reason for being good to others is so that they'll be good to you in return. We all have that one friend or relative who will never agree to lend a hand unless you make it clear there's something in it for them. You could be stuck on the roadside with a blown-out tire, and they will only come pick you up if you make it clear they'll get a free tank of gas out of the deal.
These are exactly the kind of assholes the Golden Rule was written for. Rather than "treat people with kindness and respect because it's just the right thing to do", they only offer kindness and respect in the hope they'll get some of it back from you. Like the kid who returns your lost wallet only because he or she hopes you'll give them a few bucks out of it in return for not robbing you blind.
Third, the oft-quoted part of Golden Rule by itself provides no instruction for when its core principle does not apply; what do you do when people don't want to be treated the same way you would like to be? Even in the original context (Matthew 7:9-12), there is no good answer to this:
9“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."The closest it comes is "don't give people rocks when they ask for food." But the reasoning for such is "well come on, a rock is kind of a shitty gift, you know? And if your lowly human self knows how to not give shitty gifts, think how much better at this whole gift-giving business Almighty God is!"
It still doesn't take into account that...say...your son may be asking for bread, but there's none made yet, so what he really wants is a stone to grind the wheat into flour in order to make some bread. Or rather than eat the fish, he wants to toss it through the window of that asshole up the street whose dog keeps crapping in his yard, in which case the snake is a far superior choice.
In other words, as the gift giver, you're assuming a stone or a snake is a bad gift because you wouldn't want a stone when you asked for bread or a snake when you asked for fish. But that may not be what the person you're giving it to is thinking.
If you really want to be kind and respectful to other people, what you have to do first is put yourself in their shoes. Level with them and find out what they really need, even if they're too ashamed to ask you for it directly. Don't just assume they want and need the same things you do. And for fuck's sake, don't hand out gifts with one hand while expecting a return favor with the other.
Don't treat people the way you want to be treated. Provided it doesn't directly hurt you to do so, treat others the way they want to be treated. Not because you hope someone might do the same for you one day. Not because your deity of choice will reward you in the afterlife. Treat people with the respect, kindness and empathy they want and need because it's the right thing to do.
Rather than the Fool's Golden Rule, I propose a much simpler one:
Do no harm, but take no shit.
Especially boxes of shit disguised as wisdom. They stink up the house.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
6 Signs Of a Toxic Friendship
We've all had That One Friend. Someone we think is the greatest person we know. Until a year or two later when we're suddenly doing everything in our power to get the fuck away from them, but still in some ways we're too afraid to cut them loose. Hell, you may have one of those "friends" right now. Or think you do. But because they've become so good at gaslighting you, you're not really sure anymore. Maybe you're the crazy one.
Well, based on having to kick my fair share of toxic assholes out of my life, I've observed six hallmarks of abusive behavior. Red flags that should immediately set off your internal Bullshit Alarm if people you know exhibit these traits.
Obviously it's not comprehensive. There are, unfortunately, far too many ways to be an asshole. But it's a start:
1. Everything Is a World-Ending Crisis. Everything.
2. Your Feelings Are Never As Important As Theirs (Or Important At All, Really)
When the rest of us are helping a friend through a rough time, or when a friend comes to us with a legit problem, we put the focus on them and their feelings. It's just natural for true friends to be empathetic and help each other out. Not so with the Toxic Asshole, who may or may not pay lipservice to your needs, but in the end will refocus the situation to be all about them.
Because if you have time to think about your own pain, you may discover eventually that they are the source of it.
The Toxic Asshole, when confronted with your need for help, will suddenly have an issue of their own that is far more pressing than yours. An "emergency" that you must help them through. Purely as a diversion from your own needs, wants, and desires, because to them, it's dangerous for you to have anything of your own since it might pull you out of line with their agenda.
As an example of what this phenomenon looks like, I was talking to the most recent Toxic Asshole I had to remove from my life (before I finally got the guts to break away from them) about a depressive fit I was having that made me disappear for a few days. Her response was to tell me how much my absence had affected her, had triggered her depression. With some not-so-subtle hints and threats that Bad Shit Would Happen if I ever did it again.
She was fully aware that I was in a very fragile place mentally, and still proceeded to lay a guilt trip on me about being away for a few days. It's one of the many reasons we're not friends anymore.
Why? Because she could not let me have my own pain. She could not let me have my own problems, my own bad day. Because that meant I was my own person, and not a tool for her amusement.
But when the shoe is on the other foot...
3. It's OK If They Do It (Everyone Else Gets Crucified)
...Well. It's different then.
You remember that kid you used to play with at recess, who would change the rules of the game just so they could do shit you weren't allowed to in order to score more points? Well, the Toxic Asshole is the adult version. And instead of kickball, you're playing Risk: Social Life Edition. But otherwise, it's the same M.O.: they can break the rules, but not you.
In my case, the Toxic Asshole I dealt with was allowed to demand every waking moment of my time to deal with crisis after crisis. But if anybody so much as tried to talk about a problem of their own with her, they were asking far too much. Because she would then fake a panic attack or depressive episode to get out of the conversation.
She was also allowed to make other people's problems all about her, but if anybody else did that, they were manipulative and abusive. She was allowed to make cryptic talk about hurting herself purely to glean sympathy from others, but if other people deigned to talk about their problems just because they had nowhere else to go, they were attention whores. She could create a whole other social media account to bitch about specific people while still pretending to be friends with them, but if anyone talked about her behind her back, they were cowards (and manipulators/abusers). She can make cracks about the weight and sexual orientation of people she doesn't like, and it's not fat-shaming or homophobic purely because she's doing it.
The Toxic Asshole labors under the notion that every terrible thing they do is excusable or justified, but they are the only ones allowed to use such excuses or justifications. The rules they judge everyone else by do not apply to their own actions.
You remember Engywook's description of the Magic Mirror Gate from The Neverending Story? If not, here's a little walk down Wasted Childhood Lane:
But that's not going to last forever, because people are, by and large, not as stupid as the Toxic Asshole imagines. Sooner or later, they're going to wise up and figure out what's going on. And our Asshole is more than prepared for this eventuality because...
4. Everything Is Your Fault
In case you haven't guessed, I'm a pop-culture freak. The more obscure, the more it's up my alley. And the 2008 indie film The Gamers: Dorkness Rising illustrates my next point perfectly. If you've never seen it (and you really should), the gist is that the crew lost the campaign from the first film, and resident douchebag Cass demands a replay because he insists there is no game he can't win. Because one of the band's players is unavailable, they don't have the full quorum needed to restart. Cass recruits his ex-girlfriend Joanna as the final player, with the obvious intent to humiliate her and win the game because he assumes she's going to be a terrible, terrible newbie at it. Unfortunately for him she's a math-and-logic whiz, and being both a girl at a table full of geeks and not a douchebag, his plan backfires when she wins over the entire crew. Cass doesn't take it well (scene starts at 1:27:08 if you want to skip ahead):
Sound like any "friends" you might have?
When people start to get too suspicious of the Toxic Asshole's intentions, this is when they pull out one of their more devious tricks: the scapegoat.
Just like Cass in that meltdown, if you don't comply with the rules and allow them their loopholes, suddenly you are the one who is cheating. You are the one who's making the game not fun. You are the incompetent player. They might've flipped the table and ragequit, but it's all your fault for pissing them off.
Narcissistic projection is one of the more effective tools in the Toxic Asshole's arsenal. The one I dealt with flat-out accused her ex-girlfriend of things she did herself. It's yet another way to preserve their ideal selves and not have to face the music. If people start seeing through the hypocrisy, they just find some other donkey to pin the tail on.
And it works especially well because once a victim is stuck with the blame for everything, it's far easier to get them to accept responsibility for it, whether they're at fault or not. Which will serve to draw them deeper into the web (and consequently, it'll be that much tougher to get out).
5. You Are Responsible For Their Emotions
One thing you will never hear a Toxic Asshole say is "I was/got angry/annoyed/etc." Instead, their refrain will be "she/he pissed me off/annoyed me/etc." Because one of the hallmarks of toxic and abusive behavior is making other people responsible for their moods. It's one of the most insidious things in their playbook, because it accomplishes two goals: 1) absolving the Toxic Asshole of responsibility for themselves, and 2) laying a guilt trip on the particular minion they're trying to keep in line.
We all experience incidents where someone else's behavior is profoundly annoying/enraging/hurtful. But the effect it has on us -- our emotions -- are still ours. People who are not Toxic Assholes realize this on some level, and thus even when we are annoyed/angry/etc., we have ways of coping with it that don't drag other people kicking and screaming into the picture.
The Toxic Asshole refuses to use such coping mechanisms. Everything they do that's been said so far -- the constant emergencies, devaluing others' feelings, moving the goalposts to benefit themselves, and projecting their unacceptable behaviors onto others -- is all leading up to this, to making other people responsible for what they feel.
The particular Toxic Asshole in my life would fake suicide attempts and ideation to get attention, and then blame anyone who ignored her for why she felt awful. It was her way of guilting people into hanging around her, by taking advantage of their empathy and holding the fear of what she would do to herself if they left over their heads. This was especially effective on people like me, who had seriously considered and attempted suicide before. And frankly, those are exactly the kind of people she targets. The vulnerable. Those who have been abused at least once, and are thus prone to re-victimization. Especially those who have been emotionally violated.
Because people who have suffered abuse are pliable in that regard. They can be convinced to hold themselves responsible pretty easily, because someone else has already planted that seed. Someone else has already held them responsible for things they have no control over. Someone else has already used them as a scapegoat. To the rest of the world, that's messed the hell up. To the abused, that's just life.
And to the Toxic Asshole, that makes a mark ripe for the sniping. They're like a broken vase. Even if they've been repaired as much as possible, the cracks are still there. And those cracks are weak points. Hit them just right, and the whole thing will shatter all over again.
With the Toxic Asshole, nearly all of their friends will have this quality. See, while the Toxic Asshole is frighteningly good at what they do, they're also incredibly lazy. It's a rare thing when they choose a mark that has never been subject to the kind of tactics they use (and may therefore be perfectly capable of resisting them and telling the Toxic Asshole to get bent). Because it's way easier to break a vase that's been repaired than to shatter a brand new one.
6. Standing Up For Yourself Is Treason
So what happens when the mark has finally had all they can take, and refuses to play the dutiful boot-licking emotional whipping boy?
Oh, bitch it is on, then.
In the twisted world of narcissistic abusers, standing up to them is their kryptonite. Nothing will make a Toxic Asshole lose their shit quite like being challenged, and coming to the realization that all the gaslighting, manipulation, and guilt-tripping skills they've so carefully honed over the years no longer work.
That for all intents and purposes, they've lost.
At that point, the mask comes off and like the Grand High Witch, they're revealed for the pickled, maggot-ridden sack of putrefication they are.
That's when they'll either start the smear campaign against you by contacting all your friends and loved ones and telling them what a crazy bitch you are, or if they're too cowardly for that (like mine was), they'll go retreating back to their sycophantic fan club for the attention and sympathy fix that you're no longer providing.
And like any addict, they'll immediately start looking for a new source (provided they didn't have one lined up already, and many of them do).
See, your average well-adjusted person does not need constant attention. Your average well-adjusted person understands boundaries, and understands that simply being their friend doesn't entitle them to every spare moment you have. Nor does it make you their personal stress ball that they can squeeze every time they need to let off steam. An average well-adjusted person will see their friends as people rather than as appliances, tools, and characters in a TV show they control.
This is because the average well-adjusted person has confidence in themselves and their ability to be decent human beings, such that they don't have to seek constant reassurance from everyone. They're satisfied with who they are, enough that they don't need to warp reality into their own personal Holodeck.
Toxic Assholes, on the other hand, are thoroughly empty people. They have confidence in spades, but it's confidence in the same way aspartame is sweet.
Having a friendship with a Toxic Asshole is like starring in a movie helmed by the most nightmarish director you've ever had to work with. The script changes without warning, and your role is being constantly rewritten to suit their needs. At first you'll be cast as the loyal sidekick. If you get fed up and walk off the set, you'll get written out as a supervillain, for two reasons:
1) it absolves the Toxic Asshole of all responsibility
2) it makes an example of you to the rest of the film crew, detailing exactly what kind of treatment they can expect if they ever step out of line.
In my case, the Toxic Asshole I was friends with for entirely too long started devaluing and discarding me the minute I began withdrawing from her. I went from being the friend she went running to whenever an "emergency" presented itself to being berated for not being available and then finally talked up as the person who ruined her life. Purely because I was too emotionally exhausted to care and finally started taking my life back.
That's really the greatest tell for whether you have a Toxic Asshole on your hands. What happens when you try to set -- and more importantly, enforce -- healthy boundaries. If someone has an exaggeratedly awful reaction to being told "no?" That's your giant neon sign that they're a Toxic Asshole and you need to get out.
Because what it's taken me so long to realize is that normal people don't fucking do this.
Normal people don't flip their shit when you tell them not to bug you so you can get work done/go grocery shopping/bathe/use the bathroom/etc. Normal people don't flat-out ignore your "no" and keep pestering you even after you've said you'll be unavailable. Normal people don't threaten to hurt and kill themselves when they don't get their way. Normal people don't make you feel guilty, anxious, and worthless for having your own needs.
Standing up to a Toxic Asshole is the scariest goddamn thing you will ever do. Because you've been conditioned to fear losing their friendship and approval. You've been conditioned to value their opinion more than your own. They trained you as such in order to feed their ego.
But as scary as it is, it's also worth it. Because once you realize that their "friendship" is hollow, artificial, one-sided, and absolutely worth losing, the happier you'll be.
Well, based on having to kick my fair share of toxic assholes out of my life, I've observed six hallmarks of abusive behavior. Red flags that should immediately set off your internal Bullshit Alarm if people you know exhibit these traits.
Obviously it's not comprehensive. There are, unfortunately, far too many ways to be an asshole. But it's a start:
1. Everything Is a World-Ending Crisis. Everything.
The thing to understand about Toxic Assholes is they don't see their friends as people. They collect friends the way normal people collect stamps, shot glasses, and Pokémon. Friends are things they brag about having and show off to the neighbors to make themselves seem like far better people than they really are.
Of course, when you treat people like shit, eventually they're going to figure it out and dump your ass. So how do you keep them from wising up? Keep 'em tired. Keep them mentally exhausted by making your life a constant wagon-train of emergencies.
For normal people, there are generally two types of emergency. Either somebody needs immediate medical attention, or somebody is about to lose their home/family/life savings/entire financial future/etc. In other words, the word "emergency" means something, and that something is "I need help NOW or I'm irrevocably boned."
For the Toxic Asshole, "emergency" simply means "you're ignoring me."
Because for the Toxic Asshole, not being the center of your life 24/7/365.25 means that you're the one shot glass/stamp/Pokémon/etc. in their collection that is out of place, and you need corrected. And because "emergency" means something else entirely to the rest of us, they will use that to their advantage in order to guilt you back into line.
When I say "everything is an emergency" to these people, I really do mean everything. Package didn't arrive when the tracker said it would? EMERGENCY. Someone's insulted their favorite TV show/movie/actor/musician? EMERGENCY. Their take-out place got the order wrong? EMERGENCY, DAMMIT!
You get the idea.
And the thing is, they know these aren't actual emergencies. But they will use them as an excuse for "having a panic attack" and needing you to talk them down. And how will you know this? Because if you even suggest the idea of calling a crisis hotline or even using a service like IMAlive or 7 Cups of Tea (both excellent depression and anxiety resources), they will insist they've tried those services and they don't really work and they just really need you to talk to them. Often laced with thinly veiled threats of ending the friendship (or worse) if you don't -- or can't -- comply.
For the rest of us, friendship is about mutual caring, respect, trust, and just generally liking being around other people. For the Toxic Asshole, friendship is purely about ego. They want to be able to brag about having friends without making the effort to be a person worthy of them.
Everything that ever goes wrong is an emergency to them, because it gives them an excuse to demand every spare moment you have, and if you decline to fork it over, you end up looking like the asshole. Either way -- at least in their minds -- they win.
For the Toxic Asshole, "emergency" simply means "you're ignoring me."
Because for the Toxic Asshole, not being the center of your life 24/7/365.25 means that you're the one shot glass/stamp/Pokémon/etc. in their collection that is out of place, and you need corrected. And because "emergency" means something else entirely to the rest of us, they will use that to their advantage in order to guilt you back into line.
When I say "everything is an emergency" to these people, I really do mean everything. Package didn't arrive when the tracker said it would? EMERGENCY. Someone's insulted their favorite TV show/movie/actor/musician? EMERGENCY. Their take-out place got the order wrong? EMERGENCY, DAMMIT!
You get the idea.
And the thing is, they know these aren't actual emergencies. But they will use them as an excuse for "having a panic attack" and needing you to talk them down. And how will you know this? Because if you even suggest the idea of calling a crisis hotline or even using a service like IMAlive or 7 Cups of Tea (both excellent depression and anxiety resources), they will insist they've tried those services and they don't really work and they just really need you to talk to them. Often laced with thinly veiled threats of ending the friendship (or worse) if you don't -- or can't -- comply.
For the rest of us, friendship is about mutual caring, respect, trust, and just generally liking being around other people. For the Toxic Asshole, friendship is purely about ego. They want to be able to brag about having friends without making the effort to be a person worthy of them.
Everything that ever goes wrong is an emergency to them, because it gives them an excuse to demand every spare moment you have, and if you decline to fork it over, you end up looking like the asshole. Either way -- at least in their minds -- they win.
When the rest of us are helping a friend through a rough time, or when a friend comes to us with a legit problem, we put the focus on them and their feelings. It's just natural for true friends to be empathetic and help each other out. Not so with the Toxic Asshole, who may or may not pay lipservice to your needs, but in the end will refocus the situation to be all about them.
Because if you have time to think about your own pain, you may discover eventually that they are the source of it.
The Toxic Asshole, when confronted with your need for help, will suddenly have an issue of their own that is far more pressing than yours. An "emergency" that you must help them through. Purely as a diversion from your own needs, wants, and desires, because to them, it's dangerous for you to have anything of your own since it might pull you out of line with their agenda.
As an example of what this phenomenon looks like, I was talking to the most recent Toxic Asshole I had to remove from my life (before I finally got the guts to break away from them) about a depressive fit I was having that made me disappear for a few days. Her response was to tell me how much my absence had affected her, had triggered her depression. With some not-so-subtle hints and threats that Bad Shit Would Happen if I ever did it again.
She was fully aware that I was in a very fragile place mentally, and still proceeded to lay a guilt trip on me about being away for a few days. It's one of the many reasons we're not friends anymore.
Why? Because she could not let me have my own pain. She could not let me have my own problems, my own bad day. Because that meant I was my own person, and not a tool for her amusement.
But when the shoe is on the other foot...
3. It's OK If They Do It (Everyone Else Gets Crucified)
...Well. It's different then.
You remember that kid you used to play with at recess, who would change the rules of the game just so they could do shit you weren't allowed to in order to score more points? Well, the Toxic Asshole is the adult version. And instead of kickball, you're playing Risk: Social Life Edition. But otherwise, it's the same M.O.: they can break the rules, but not you.
In my case, the Toxic Asshole I dealt with was allowed to demand every waking moment of my time to deal with crisis after crisis. But if anybody so much as tried to talk about a problem of their own with her, they were asking far too much. Because she would then fake a panic attack or depressive episode to get out of the conversation.
She was also allowed to make other people's problems all about her, but if anybody else did that, they were manipulative and abusive. She was allowed to make cryptic talk about hurting herself purely to glean sympathy from others, but if other people deigned to talk about their problems just because they had nowhere else to go, they were attention whores. She could create a whole other social media account to bitch about specific people while still pretending to be friends with them, but if anyone talked about her behind her back, they were cowards (and manipulators/abusers). She can make cracks about the weight and sexual orientation of people she doesn't like, and it's not fat-shaming or homophobic purely because she's doing it.
The Toxic Asshole labors under the notion that every terrible thing they do is excusable or justified, but they are the only ones allowed to use such excuses or justifications. The rules they judge everyone else by do not apply to their own actions.
You remember Engywook's description of the Magic Mirror Gate from The Neverending Story? If not, here's a little walk down Wasted Childhood Lane:
Kind people find that they are cruel. Brave men discover that they are really cowards. Confronted with their true selves, most men run away screaming.The Toxic Asshole refuses to confront their true self, and creating loopholes in the rules just for them and nobody else is but one way of avoiding the Magic Mirror Gate (and thus, the Southern Oracle and the final piece of info they need to complete their quest).
But that's not going to last forever, because people are, by and large, not as stupid as the Toxic Asshole imagines. Sooner or later, they're going to wise up and figure out what's going on. And our Asshole is more than prepared for this eventuality because...
4. Everything Is Your Fault
In case you haven't guessed, I'm a pop-culture freak. The more obscure, the more it's up my alley. And the 2008 indie film The Gamers: Dorkness Rising illustrates my next point perfectly. If you've never seen it (and you really should), the gist is that the crew lost the campaign from the first film, and resident douchebag Cass demands a replay because he insists there is no game he can't win. Because one of the band's players is unavailable, they don't have the full quorum needed to restart. Cass recruits his ex-girlfriend Joanna as the final player, with the obvious intent to humiliate her and win the game because he assumes she's going to be a terrible, terrible newbie at it. Unfortunately for him she's a math-and-logic whiz, and being both a girl at a table full of geeks and not a douchebag, his plan backfires when she wins over the entire crew. Cass doesn't take it well (scene starts at 1:27:08 if you want to skip ahead):
Sound like any "friends" you might have?
When people start to get too suspicious of the Toxic Asshole's intentions, this is when they pull out one of their more devious tricks: the scapegoat.
Just like Cass in that meltdown, if you don't comply with the rules and allow them their loopholes, suddenly you are the one who is cheating. You are the one who's making the game not fun. You are the incompetent player. They might've flipped the table and ragequit, but it's all your fault for pissing them off.
Narcissistic projection is one of the more effective tools in the Toxic Asshole's arsenal. The one I dealt with flat-out accused her ex-girlfriend of things she did herself. It's yet another way to preserve their ideal selves and not have to face the music. If people start seeing through the hypocrisy, they just find some other donkey to pin the tail on.
And it works especially well because once a victim is stuck with the blame for everything, it's far easier to get them to accept responsibility for it, whether they're at fault or not. Which will serve to draw them deeper into the web (and consequently, it'll be that much tougher to get out).
5. You Are Responsible For Their Emotions
One thing you will never hear a Toxic Asshole say is "I was/got angry/annoyed/etc." Instead, their refrain will be "she/he pissed me off/annoyed me/etc." Because one of the hallmarks of toxic and abusive behavior is making other people responsible for their moods. It's one of the most insidious things in their playbook, because it accomplishes two goals: 1) absolving the Toxic Asshole of responsibility for themselves, and 2) laying a guilt trip on the particular minion they're trying to keep in line.
We all experience incidents where someone else's behavior is profoundly annoying/enraging/hurtful. But the effect it has on us -- our emotions -- are still ours. People who are not Toxic Assholes realize this on some level, and thus even when we are annoyed/angry/etc., we have ways of coping with it that don't drag other people kicking and screaming into the picture.
The Toxic Asshole refuses to use such coping mechanisms. Everything they do that's been said so far -- the constant emergencies, devaluing others' feelings, moving the goalposts to benefit themselves, and projecting their unacceptable behaviors onto others -- is all leading up to this, to making other people responsible for what they feel.
The particular Toxic Asshole in my life would fake suicide attempts and ideation to get attention, and then blame anyone who ignored her for why she felt awful. It was her way of guilting people into hanging around her, by taking advantage of their empathy and holding the fear of what she would do to herself if they left over their heads. This was especially effective on people like me, who had seriously considered and attempted suicide before. And frankly, those are exactly the kind of people she targets. The vulnerable. Those who have been abused at least once, and are thus prone to re-victimization. Especially those who have been emotionally violated.
Because people who have suffered abuse are pliable in that regard. They can be convinced to hold themselves responsible pretty easily, because someone else has already planted that seed. Someone else has already held them responsible for things they have no control over. Someone else has already used them as a scapegoat. To the rest of the world, that's messed the hell up. To the abused, that's just life.
And to the Toxic Asshole, that makes a mark ripe for the sniping. They're like a broken vase. Even if they've been repaired as much as possible, the cracks are still there. And those cracks are weak points. Hit them just right, and the whole thing will shatter all over again.
With the Toxic Asshole, nearly all of their friends will have this quality. See, while the Toxic Asshole is frighteningly good at what they do, they're also incredibly lazy. It's a rare thing when they choose a mark that has never been subject to the kind of tactics they use (and may therefore be perfectly capable of resisting them and telling the Toxic Asshole to get bent). Because it's way easier to break a vase that's been repaired than to shatter a brand new one.
6. Standing Up For Yourself Is Treason
So what happens when the mark has finally had all they can take, and refuses to play the dutiful boot-licking emotional whipping boy?
Oh, bitch it is on, then.
In the twisted world of narcissistic abusers, standing up to them is their kryptonite. Nothing will make a Toxic Asshole lose their shit quite like being challenged, and coming to the realization that all the gaslighting, manipulation, and guilt-tripping skills they've so carefully honed over the years no longer work.
That for all intents and purposes, they've lost.
At that point, the mask comes off and like the Grand High Witch, they're revealed for the pickled, maggot-ridden sack of putrefication they are.
That's when they'll either start the smear campaign against you by contacting all your friends and loved ones and telling them what a crazy bitch you are, or if they're too cowardly for that (like mine was), they'll go retreating back to their sycophantic fan club for the attention and sympathy fix that you're no longer providing.
And like any addict, they'll immediately start looking for a new source (provided they didn't have one lined up already, and many of them do).
See, your average well-adjusted person does not need constant attention. Your average well-adjusted person understands boundaries, and understands that simply being their friend doesn't entitle them to every spare moment you have. Nor does it make you their personal stress ball that they can squeeze every time they need to let off steam. An average well-adjusted person will see their friends as people rather than as appliances, tools, and characters in a TV show they control.
This is because the average well-adjusted person has confidence in themselves and their ability to be decent human beings, such that they don't have to seek constant reassurance from everyone. They're satisfied with who they are, enough that they don't need to warp reality into their own personal Holodeck.
Toxic Assholes, on the other hand, are thoroughly empty people. They have confidence in spades, but it's confidence in the same way aspartame is sweet.
Having a friendship with a Toxic Asshole is like starring in a movie helmed by the most nightmarish director you've ever had to work with. The script changes without warning, and your role is being constantly rewritten to suit their needs. At first you'll be cast as the loyal sidekick. If you get fed up and walk off the set, you'll get written out as a supervillain, for two reasons:
1) it absolves the Toxic Asshole of all responsibility
2) it makes an example of you to the rest of the film crew, detailing exactly what kind of treatment they can expect if they ever step out of line.
In my case, the Toxic Asshole I was friends with for entirely too long started devaluing and discarding me the minute I began withdrawing from her. I went from being the friend she went running to whenever an "emergency" presented itself to being berated for not being available and then finally talked up as the person who ruined her life. Purely because I was too emotionally exhausted to care and finally started taking my life back.
That's really the greatest tell for whether you have a Toxic Asshole on your hands. What happens when you try to set -- and more importantly, enforce -- healthy boundaries. If someone has an exaggeratedly awful reaction to being told "no?" That's your giant neon sign that they're a Toxic Asshole and you need to get out.
Because what it's taken me so long to realize is that normal people don't fucking do this.
Normal people don't flip their shit when you tell them not to bug you so you can get work done/go grocery shopping/bathe/use the bathroom/etc. Normal people don't flat-out ignore your "no" and keep pestering you even after you've said you'll be unavailable. Normal people don't threaten to hurt and kill themselves when they don't get their way. Normal people don't make you feel guilty, anxious, and worthless for having your own needs.
Standing up to a Toxic Asshole is the scariest goddamn thing you will ever do. Because you've been conditioned to fear losing their friendship and approval. You've been conditioned to value their opinion more than your own. They trained you as such in order to feed their ego.
But as scary as it is, it's also worth it. Because once you realize that their "friendship" is hollow, artificial, one-sided, and absolutely worth losing, the happier you'll be.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Mental Health Awareness Week: Depression Is Not Sadness
Depression isn't sadness. Not even deep sadness. In fact, take the deepest sadness and grief and anguish you could possibly imagine, and that would be an improvement.
Why? Because even sadness and grief and anguish mean you still feel something.
Depression is having a steady supply of novocaine pumped into your skull where your brain should be.
Depression is the feeling that your body is a ten-ton weight you're dragging around.
Depression is not having the energy to attempt suicide.
Depression is looking at a plate of your favorite food and picking at it even though you're so hungry your stomach lining is trying to eat itself.
Depression is feeling like everything inside you has already died and you're just passing the time until your body catches on.
Depression is not even caring whether or not you care.
Depression is deliberately injuring yourself because even pain is better than nothing.
Depression is not being able to sleep past 5AM unless you've been awake longer than 20 hours prior.
Depression is not even sleeping so much as being occasionally unconscious.
Depression is whenever people talk about the future, you feel left out because you don't have one.
Depression is Hell.
Why? Because even sadness and grief and anguish mean you still feel something.
Depression is having a steady supply of novocaine pumped into your skull where your brain should be.
Depression is the feeling that your body is a ten-ton weight you're dragging around.
Depression is not having the energy to attempt suicide.
Depression is looking at a plate of your favorite food and picking at it even though you're so hungry your stomach lining is trying to eat itself.
Depression is feeling like everything inside you has already died and you're just passing the time until your body catches on.
Depression is not even caring whether or not you care.
Depression is deliberately injuring yourself because even pain is better than nothing.
Depression is not being able to sleep past 5AM unless you've been awake longer than 20 hours prior.
Depression is not even sleeping so much as being occasionally unconscious.
Depression is whenever people talk about the future, you feel left out because you don't have one.
Depression is Hell.
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