Nobody "Put" You In the "Friendzone"

You walked in there all by yourself. And you remain there 100% by your own choice.

No, it's not your fault that the woman (because this seems to be exclusively a straight guy thing) you're interested in rejected you, but that's not what the "friendzone" is. You don't just get there by being rejected. You get there by choosing to stay friends with the woman who rejected your romantic advances, despite not actually wanting a friendship with her at all.

See, the "friendzone" is really just the dysfunction junction between Resentment Road and Dishonesty Boulevard. It's what happens when a guy, for whatever reason, refuses to admit to himself that staying just friends with a woman he wants to be romantically involved with but who has made it clear that's not happening is too much for him to handle emotionally. And so he remains friends with her in order to not seem shallow, but spends the entire friendship bitching and moaning about how difficult and unpleasant it is.

And this goes about as well as anyone sane expects it to. Eventually, the guy does one of two things:

1) he tries, without success, to weasel his way past her boundaries no matter how many times she unequivocally shuts that shit down, until he explodes at her and shows his true colors.

2) he finally wises up and realizes that a friendship isn't enough and quietly severs contact.

And this is all provided he doesn't threaten to kill her (or worse, actually kill her).

What the guy misses from the very beginning, though, is that the only reason any of this happens, the only reason the friendzone even exists for him, is because he chooses to stay friends with someone he does not want to be friends with.

The friendzone is not a prison cell. You are not locked up in there against your will. You have the option to leave at any time; furthermore, you have the option of never entering in the first place.

As a member of the mysterious tribe called "Girl," I'll let you in on a little secret: women don't expect a guy they just rejected to stay friends with them. It's nice if the guy is cool with it, but we really do understand if he's not. So at least to us, it's way the fuck less creepy and douchey to say "look, I gotta be straight with you here, I don't think I can handle staying just friends." Women are frankly more inclined to respect your honesty.

Certainly less creepy and douchey than claiming our friendship still means so much to you while going behind our backs to whine to anyone who will listen how we're such frigid bitches because we won't give a Nice Guy like you even a handjob.

Because since men are supposedly the more logical of the sexes, let's break this down as such: if you don't really want a friendship with this woman and she has made it clear that friendship is the only relation she's willing to have with you, why would you bother staying friends with her at all? Why would you remain friends when you've already admitted it's difficult and painful and unpleasant? Because last I checked, that is everything a friendship is not supposed to be.

As much as I really hate to reduce women to consumable goods, sometimes that's the only way men can understand because that's how they've been trained to think of us: do you hang around outside Home Depot hoping one day they'll start carrying Cristal champagne? Do you stalk the baristas at your local Starbucks to buy winter coats? Do you loiter around your local Apple store looking for outdoor camping equipment?

Of course you don't. Because you know that those stores are not offering the thing you want to buy. And no matter how much you beg and plead and stamp your feet, they never will.

So why would you hang around a woman whose only offering is a relationship you already know you don't want?

You are under no obligation whatsoever to remain friends with a girl when she tells you friendship is all she wants from you. You are free to leave the friendzone whenever you want by simply leaving the friendship.

Nobody is saying that you can't feel hurt or disappointed or even a little angry when rejected by someone you're into. But it's how you react and how you choose to handle it that means the difference between being an actual nice guy, or a creepy, predatory douchelord.

You have a right to those feelings. What you don't have a right to do is lie to a woman's face and then get pissed off at her for believing you. You don't have a right to her being, and you never will.

An Open Letter to the Hipster Edgelords

Nobody gives a shit about you.

No, really. Nobody cares what obscure piece of media you're currently creaming yourself over. Nobody cares how much you hate social media (but still post on it every day for gods-know-why). Nobody cares that you hate everything popular purely because of its popularity. Nobody cares that you hate most of humanity for literally no reason other than you think it makes you unique and therefore cool (spoiler: it doesn't).

Because see, as geeks we all went through that phase where we were so desperate to prove we were better than other geeks to cover up for our inability to function outside mom's basement that we took every opportunity to wave our geek boners at anything we thought they were long enough to slap. Fortunately, we grew out of that fucked-up mentality by the time society expected us to be functional adults.

But you? Oh no. Growing up into a mature member of society is entirely too mainstream. You're still chasing that banner of Better Than All Those Other Nerds because you're such a worthless, useless sack of piss and vinegar that you have no other purpose in life. And it's your own damned fault.

And no, you don't get to use the myriad of excuses you've racked up over the years, that so many people gave you a fucking pass on because you happen to be straight, male, cisgendered and white.

Don't have a job? Since you seem to love spewing bullshit on the internet 24/7, guess what? You can totally get paid to do that. You don't really need money to start, either. And with modern accessibility features on all operating systems, even a physical disability isn't a barrier. You have a computer, you have internet access, and boom. With a little work and--

Oh yeah. That's your problem. "Effort" is a dirty word in your language. After all, it's easier to bitch and moan all day about how every popular video game, band, movie, and TV show sucks and get into forum and Facebook spats at 2AM than contribute anything meaningful to the media landscape. After all, bitching and moaning gets you the payoff you're after -- the smug assurance that you're Better Than All Those Other Nerds -- and you don't have to do a goddamn thing except piss people off (which is easy, since you're an asshole).

But at the end of the day? Guess what? The blogger who writes about stuff they like, popular or not, gets to take home a paycheck, make friends, and have fun. People give a shit about them.

You? Get to sulk in the lone corner of your mom's basement with your friends, Empty Cheeto Bag and Jizz Shirt, once your Better Than All Those Other Nerds high wears off and you gotta go get into an online dick-waving contest so you can shoot up again.

And still, nobody gives a shit about you. And nobody ever will. Because you don't give anybody a reason to care since you're too busy pissing them off for your own childish amusement.

So if you still want to keep on keeping on on the Road to Nowhere that is being Better Than All Those Other Nerds? Fine.

I think you should just be aware that seriously, no one gives a shit.

America, We Need To Talk

In the early morning hours of Sunday, June 12, 2016, a lone gunman opened fire in a gay nightclub and murdered 50 people (so far; of the 53 wounded, 5 are listed in grave condition, so that death toll may climb even higher).

I'm not going to spit facts at you. You can look that shit up on your own. I'm not going to spit arguments about gun control, either, because this problem is so much fucking bigger than that.

I don't even know what I want to spit here, other than nails.

This was an act of terror, but not the kind we've gotten so used to in the last 15 years. This is an act not motivated by retaliation against a political enemy or a monolithic ideology. There is no "cause" here. There is nothing the world could have given Omar Mateen to make him put down that gun.

This is an act motivated by hatred, and hatred alone. Omar Mateen wasn't looking to scare anyone into submission; he was looking to simply kill as many of the people he hated as quickly as possible.

And those people were LGBT youth.

As the right-wing noise machine tried to argue in the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church shooting last year, many will again try to argue this was motivated by religion. And they will do some impressive mental gymnastics to support this view. They will all but erase the real reason for Mateen targeting the people he did: they were queer.

Don't let them do it.

Omar Mateen was motivated by the same kind of hatred as Dylan Roof. Hatred against a class of people different than himself, simply for existing.

Pulse is a gay club. A place where LGBT people can gather and meet and be ourselves, without the fear that we face on the street every day. Where gay men can dance with their boyfriends, lesbians with their girlfriends, and bisexual people with whoever their partners happen to be. Where trans folk don't have to worry which bathroom to use. Where PDAs won't result in abuse and threats from onlookers.

It's one of the few places where LGBT people have a sense of safety, because everyone there is like you. Everyone there knows the struggle. Everyone there wants to get away from it for a few hours.

Omar Mateen sought that space out. Invaded it. Violated it. And ultimately defiled it with the blood of over 100 people, dead and wounded.

Straight people, you cannot fathom this. You cannot begin to understand the kind of bone-shattering fear this strikes into the hearts of everyone who is LGBT (or even wondering if they are). Because what this act has done is destroyed the sense of safety that we were just beginning to cultivate.

It's 2016. Marriage equality is the law of the land in all 50 sates. And we are still not safe.

Do you hear me? We are still not safe. Even when we build our own spaces where straight folks don't have to look at us. Even when we "stop shoving it in your faces" we are still not fucking safe.

Picture, if you will, being a child and hearing about 50 children shot to death at a Chuck E. Cheese, and you're starting to approach the kind of fear we're feeling right now. I say "starting to approach" because there isn't a persistent undercurrent in our culture that loathes the shit out children and wants them all piled in a landfill somewhere.

See, Omar Mateen was a lone wolf as far as Daesh is concerned. But in regards to the actual reason he murdered 50 people? He's hardly alone.

We're not safe because even though it's 2016, we still live in a culture marinating in hatred. A culture enabled by people who wish we didn't exist.

If you really want to be an ally? If you really want to help the LGBT community not just in Orlando, but everywhere this kind of massacre could occur?

Start speaking up.

When you see someone use homosexuality as an insult? Tell them that shit isn't acceptable.

When your friend makes shitty jokes at the LGBT community's expense? Tell them that shit isn't acceptable.

When your bigoted relative laments the destruction of the country because of marriage equality? Tell them that shit isn't acceptable.

This goes way beyond gun control. This goes way beyond terrorism. This goes right to the very fucking core of what makes us civilized.

The ability to coexist with other people and not murder the shit out of them.

The Pyrite Rule

There's nothing quite like discovering that the "wisdom" that adults imparted to you in childhood is really bullshit packaged in a very pretty box. There's almost a five-stages-of-grief thing to it. At first you're in denial that the box is full of shit. Then you get angry that someone would seriously think handing you a box of shit and calling it "wisdom" was a good idea. Then you bargain with anyone and everyone to take this box of shit from you, you'll do anything in return. And when nobody will relieve you of your box of shit, you get depressed. And then finally, in the acceptance stage, you decide to use the box of shit as fertilizer for newer, more productive ideas.

Of the many, many boxes of shit I received as a kid, the one that was the hardest to accept was the so-called Golden Rule (AKA Matthew 7:12): do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

When you're a kid, this box of shit is like a tray of fresh-baked brownies. Of course it makes sense. Be the example, right? When people see the way you treat them, of course they're going to be more likely to return the favor. But when you get old enough to see this play out in the real world, is when you realize that like a lot of the worst advice from the Bible (not all of it is bad, but like every holy book in existence, there is some absolute horseshit in there that would never fly today), the Golden Rule is exactly the kind of self-indulgent nonsense anyone would tell a foreign population they were trying to convert.

It's particularly insidious because the Golden Rule maintains the veneer of promoting kindness toward others, while in practice it's the most selfish philosophy you could possibly be taught before you're old enough to read Atlas Shrugged.

First and foremost, the Golden Rule is selfish because it promotes the exact opposite of empathy. Treating others the way you want to be treated, in fact, requires you to ignore their feelings and focus on your own, because it's using your preferences as the yardstick.

To see how this plays out in the real world, let's take a look at some types of people we can't stand who follow the Golden Rule to the letter:

• That creepy drunk on the subway platform would love it if random attractive women approached him with compliments and offers of sex, so he's going to do that to every woman he fancies.
• The Jehova's Witness would love it if people came to her door to start random conversations about faith and God, so she's going to do that to every neighbor in her subdivision.
• The nosy lady at the mall would be grateful to receive random parenting advice, so she will offer her opinion to every mother she sees with a kid under five.
• The hard-line conservative uncle nobody invited to the family reunion would love to debate politics and religion with everyone in a five-mile radius, so of course he's going to start arguing with everyone right in the middle of hors d'oeuvres.

You get the idea. The problem with all of these instances is that these people aren't giving a single thought to anyone else's wants and desires. They are laboring under the assumption that whatever they want must also be what everyone else wants. Which is why they're invariably shocked and insulted when you tell them to go away, leave you alone, and don't mention Trump again or so help you they'll be wearing that plate of deviled eggs as a hat.

Second, the Golden Rule sets the expectation that the primary reason for being good to others is so that they'll be good to you in return. We all have that one friend or relative who will never agree to lend a hand unless you make it clear there's something in it for them. You could be stuck on the roadside with a blown-out tire, and they will only come pick you up if you make it clear they'll get a free tank of gas out of the deal.

These are exactly the kind of assholes the Golden Rule was written for. Rather than "treat people with kindness and respect because it's just the right thing to do", they only offer kindness and respect in the hope they'll get some of it back from you. Like the kid who returns your lost wallet only because he or she hopes you'll give them a few bucks out of it in return for not robbing you blind.

Third, the oft-quoted part of Golden Rule by itself provides no instruction for when its core principle does not apply; what do you do when people don't want to be treated the same way you would like to be? Even in the original context (Matthew 7:9-12), there is no good answer to this:

⁹“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹²So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."

 The closest it comes is "don't give people rocks when they ask for food." But the reasoning for such is "well come on, a rock is kind of a shitty gift, you know? And if your lowly human self knows how to not give shitty gifts, think how much better at this whole gift-giving business Almighty God is!"

It still doesn't take into account that...say...your son may be asking for bread, but there's none made yet, so what he really wants is a stone to grind the wheat into flour in order to make some bread. Or rather than eat the fish, he wants to toss it through the window of that asshole up the street whose dog keeps crapping in his yard, in which case the snake is a far superior choice.

In other words, as the gift giver, you're assuming a stone or a snake is a bad gift because you wouldn't want a stone when you asked for bread or a snake when you asked for fish. But that may not be what the person you're giving it to is thinking.

If you really want to be kind and respectful to other people, what you have to do first is put yourself in their shoes. Level with them and find out what they really need, even if they're too ashamed to ask you for it directly. Don't just assume they want and need the same things you do. And for fuck's sake, don't hand out gifts with one hand while expecting a return favor with the other.

Don't treat people the way you want to be treated. Provided it doesn't directly hurt you to do so, treat others the way they want to be treated. Not because you hope someone might do the same for you one day. Not because your deity of choice will reward you in the afterlife. Treat people with the respect, kindness and empathy they want and need because it's the right thing to do.

Rather than the Fool's Golden Rule, I propose a much simpler one:

Do no harm, but take no shit.

Especially boxes of shit disguised as wisdom. They stink up the house.